Missieves

As further proof of the language problem I mentioned in my previous entry, I enclose some other electronic missives from my Fundamentalist neighbor. The topic this time is our upcoming HOA Board meeting:

Hi [NAME DELETED],

If "No one" offers to share their home, for the upcoming meeting, and we have to meet at Cadden's Office! Will there be a fee involved and what will that amount be?

Have you received the findings of the Reserve Study?


Could you please bring to the meeting the papers (the 2003 invoices from
Ventana) that we looked at, when I came into your office, earlier this year?


I have already gone over the four Landscape contract submittals. Thanks
for all of your hard work.


[NAME DELETED] NHHA ~ Treasurer

And here's an earlier message:

[NAME DELETED], What was it, that we did not understand about Article III, Section
1(u): "Parking?" It seems to state very clearly, as to what the homeowners
are suppose to do. Whether or not they comply, remains to be seen. By
chance, did this engaging of an attorney, for a legal opinion, cost the
Homeowners of Northern Heights, any money?Why do we have to adopt something,
that is already written out, in detail and in plain "English?" Some people
have already added to their individual driveways. As far as owning, the
streets (Private Streets), and I guess we owe our thanks to R/A for the
undersizing of same, which Pima County refused to accept! NO! I do not feel
that we should allow Parking on one side of the street, because this would
only ad to our present situation. NO! I do not suggest that we paint a line
down the middle of our streets either! If vehicles are in garages or on
individual driveways, like they should be, we would not have a problem! NO!
We do not need signs stating, "No Parking!" And finally, this item came up,
just recently. NO! we do not and will not install "Speed Bumps!" Why
should the entire sub-division be inconvenienced with humps in our streets?
And last, but not least! We do not have to hire a street sweeping
contractor, for our tiny little sub-division, go out an purchase a "Push
Broom" for your own use and keep your own little portion of Northern
Heights, CLEAN! In consideration of Northern Heights, a sign could be
posted at the entry, stating "NO OUTLET, SPEED LIMIT 15 MPH~ENFORCED, NO
PARKING ON STREETS AFTER DARK, PRIVATE COMMUNITY, NO SOLICITORS, KEEP
AMERICA BEAUTIFUL, PICK UP YOUR OWN GARBAGE AND PLACE IT IN YOUR REFUSE
CONTAINER!" Take your choice, but just remember, "We must as individuals,
put forth the effort in order to bring about "UNITY."

[NAME DELETED]

Punctuation is one of the principal means of conveying tone in written English. That's why it's so hard to figure out my neighbor's intentions. The other members of our Board have frequently felt that he was angry at them, when he claimed not to be. And they're Fundamentalist right-wingers just like him.

Intensions

Shortly before the start of the Iraq war, my Fundamentalist neighbor forwarded me a message full of patriotic graphics - from which the image here is drawn -- that contained this inspirational language:

PRAY BEFORE IT STARTS
A torch has been lit today to be passed along to your e-mail friends...asking them to pass it along....and along....and along. We can do something about the threat of war; both in Iraq and with terrorists. In the Old Testament, God's armies were always led by the priests. When the waters parted in the Jordan, it was the priests' feet which first hit the turbulent river. In the New Testament, Christians are also referred to as priests...all Christians.

We must, therefore, go in first.

As the possibility of war approaches with Hussein and Iraq, we are asking the priests to step in first.....ahead of our military. Let us be setting up camp for our soldiers' entrance into the conflict. How? By prayer.

Let us be sending in "prayer missiles," "cruise and scud prayers" to target enemy plans. "Patriot prayers" to shoot down incoming threats.


We should be praying for two things: (1) that the enemy leaders become confused, disoriented, and distrustful of each other; that their entire system of attack fall apart, and (2) that in God's wildest ways, these enemies would become aware of His deep love for them and the war Jesus has already fought for them, personally, on the cross.
God had Gideon reduce his army from 32,000 to 300 men. He then equipped them with nothing but trumpets, pitchers, and torches. What an odd combination to fight off well-armed soldiers. When Gideon gave the command, the Bible says the enemy fled crying and turned on each other...all because God messed with enemy plans.

I often refer to this "prayer missile" message in discussing the pressures of living in my neighborhood.

More recently, my neighbor forwarded me a message about a college professor, presumably because he knows I am a college professor:

Morning Charley, Were you in the marine corp?

[NAME DELETED]

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

After I received this message, kdotdammit insisted that my neighbor must be deliberately screwing with me. I wasn't so sure. And subsequent messages suggested that he might actually have believed that I would approve of the story about the Marine.

Either my neighbor is extraordinarily cagey or extraordinarily dense.

Now that Kim has blown my cover, though, I doubt whether there will be any more doubt about his intentions.